Letting go of Grief, Embracing Loss & Welcoming Change

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Many sacred holidays are celebrated this week which mostly focus on the memory of our ancestors, and in particular those who have died in the last year. It is through their memory that we honor their effect on the world and on our own lives. When anyone who has touched our lives, even in the smallest of ways, passes on, something inside of us shifts.

The loss of their presence may trigger a variety of thoughts or feelings. We may feel sadness or anger that they were taken from us. We may contemplate our own mortality and think about what we want to do with our short lives – What have I been putting off? There is no right or wrong way to move through the experiences of grief & loss.

This time of year brings these aspects of our inner experience forward, as the images of the macabre are more visible and acceptable, even if just for a short time. What is this mystery called Death? It is important to acknowledge and examine our own response to loss, and not to push it away.

Over the years of working with people it has become quite apparent that many in our culture have a hard time with endings of all kinds. Some people don’t like to say goodbye, some disappear on the last day of school or work, while others may pretend like everything is as it always was and then quietly slip out the back door. But acknowledging the end of a cycle is just as important as the beginning. There is completion, graduation, resolution, and space for something new to emerge.

So let us honor and remember what was and what has passed; let us feel our emotions of grief & loss to allow the suffering to wash through us; and let us celebrate that which is still to come in the space that loss has opened up for us.

Food, Mood & Spirit: My Journey – Part 1

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Over the last twelve years I’ve been on a journey which has drastically changed my relationship to my body and the food I consume. As a kid I didn’t play sports nor was I very active, and as a result I was not in tune with my body and its needs. Growing up in the 80’s there was a lot of buzz in the media about being health conscious, with cartoon campaigns to educate children about their bodies, food, and how to live healthy lives. Now as an adult, I’ve greatly changed how I relate to my body and what I put into it. As a psychotherapist I also understand how our physical health greatly affects our mood, our outlook on life and our connection to the universe. This is my story of that journey.

Yoga: My first step into reconnection with my body began with yoga in 2001. Y2K was a year behind us and the world was happy that all our computers were still working and modern civilization had not come to a stand-still. The dot.com crash was in full force and techies were fleeing the Bay Area like rats on a sinking ship, as their funds were rapidly absorbed by credit cards bills. The twin towers were still standing, but not for long.

I had moved into a new apartment in the Mission after my last roommates got married and ventured north. One of my new roommates told me about a nearby yoga ashram, which he jokingly called a “cult” because many of the teachers lived there and only wore white clothing. I had done yoga with a friend in their home a few times before but I had never taken a class, so I thought I’d check it out. I felt like I should start focusing on my physical health now that I was in my early 20’s, and given that I was exploring a variety of spiritual practices at the time, yoga sounded like a good fit.

Attending my first hatha yoga class I thoroughly enjoyed the calm spirit of the ashram right away, the quiet yet friendly people and the challenge of the asanas. Being someone who is frequently in his head, yoga was a good fit because learning how to get my body into the poses was kind of like a puzzle at first.

A few months later (now post 9/11) I lost my job and started volunteering at the ashram in exchange for free classes. I began to learn more about the different branches of yoga: meditation, breathing, chanting, etc.; I also learned a little about ayurveda, which looks more at diet and lifestyle (more on this later). It felt very comfortable for me to be there, yet challenging for my mind, body and spirit too. I went to the ashram regularly for almost three years until I moved out of the neighborhood. I continued to hold aspects of yoga in my life, but not in the same way again for a few years.

Just over a year ago yoga came back more fully into my life, again with the invitation from a friend to attend a class together. I learned about the new trend of donation classes where you pay what you can, as yoga had become quite popular and expensive. I eventually found an Iyengar teacher I resonated with, which was a good fit for my constitution by focusing on proper alignment and calming the mind. I committed to two classes a week and after just a few months not only did I see changes in my body and energy levels, but I noticed my anxiety and anger levels reduced significantly – two traits which had become more pronounced since my first stint with yoga. Yoga is a great vehicle to learn about the mind-body connection, which I feel is a crucial education in our digital age of disconnection.

I continue to practice hatha yoga as well as other branches, and work to honor the principles of ayurveda which support my specific constitution. I encourage others to cultivate a mind-body practice as well, as I find this can lay a strong foundation for healing dis-ease on all levels: mind, body & spirit.

(Coming soon: Part 2 of my journey I’ll share about my struggles with food and digestion, and how that has colored my self-esteem and relationships.)

Radio Interview with Nick on Blog Talk Radio

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I was interviewed on September 9th, 2012, by HiC Luttmers of Firefly Willows LIVE on Blog Talk Radio. I discussed my therapy practice and how I use Hakomi, expressive arts and hypnotherapy with my clients. We also talked about the role of doubt and uncertainty in our lives. Enjoy!

[soundcloud url=”http://soundcloud.com/nicky-pickles/holistic-therapy-sf/s-GnHqZ”]

 

Do I Hide, Or Am I Hidden?

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When we are young we will do anything we can to fit in: we want to be liked and accepted, so we’ll dress like our friends, talk like them, agree with them (even if we don’t), etc. Then as we age, we have the desire to be different and unique, unlike any other that has come before us. We want to stand out. Or do we?

 

Some people have no desire to stand out, and that’s okay too. There is power in diversity. But the pressure to be one way or another is so strong, it can cause intense inner turmoil. In the last few years there has been a lot of focus in the news and media on bullying among kids for being different. A person can get stuck in their head, creating layers of fears and complexes on top of their true self. Over time this can result in an unintentional hiding of the core being, making it difficult to relate and connect with others in true intimacy. This hiding may not be apparent and we may feel alone or isolated, not understanding why we aren’t being seen or heard by those around us.

These layers, masks or complexes need understanding and compassion, because they were acquired to help us, to protect us when we felt in danger. But as we mature and cultivate healthy adult relationships, we can start to let these layers go or put them up on a shelf (along with that high school yearbook). Taking each one, listening to it and saying “thank you,” we can begin to loosen and remove each layer; slowly and safely allowing our true, authentic self to be seen and loved by those closest to us.

The Body is Magnetic: Attraction & Intimacy

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What does it mean to have mixed feelings about something? How can I love someone and fear them at the same time? It can sometimes be confusing to have both a negative and positive charge for something at the same time. Often times this occurs when our true self wants something, but our family, spiritual community, or other group to which we belong, says that we shouldn’t want that thing. This dynamic is especially apparent when it comes to sexual orientation and gender identity: many people still live in fear of being rejected and persecuted for moving toward their true nature.

This confluence of polarities inside of us is also commonly seen when different parts of the self are in conflict: the head and the heart, the mind and the body, etc. I recently had an experience where my heart and my will were in conflict. My heart wanted to open and move forward to connect, but my will and my body did not feel safe; wanting to retreat out of a perceived danger. From this place of fear, anger or aggression can easily arise as a natural defense mechanism. Our biology as human animals is programmed to respond to fear and danger by fight, flight or freeze; and the fighting brings out anger and aggression to keep us safe. This mixed signal of attraction by the heart and repelling by the will can often be difficult for us and others to comprehend.

Recently someone told me they often have urges to pick fights with their partner–that there was something gratifying about it, but they couldn’t quite put their finger on it. I wondered if they just wanted connection, contact, and engagement with their partner. I remembered back to my childhood when my older brother would pick on me, tackling me to the floor for a quick wrestle. I did not like this at all, but there was something satisfying about it for him. It could have been about power, but I also think there was an aspect of connection and intimacy in the play which my brother enjoyed and wanted to have with me as his sibling. There is a way in which the body speaks that the mind may not understand, and the self tries to get what it wants: connection & intimacy.

Connection and intimacy are necessary for life, but they do not have to be verbal – in fact, they largely are not. I commonly hear one part of a couple say they want more intimacy or emotional connection from the other. This usually comes from the partner who might be more verbal about their feelings, expecting the other to reciprocate in the same way. They might not be “hearing” how their partners body is “speaking” to them – how they are patting them on the back, caressing their cheek, or petting their hair can speak volumes about how they feel about their partner.

What do we do when our body language gives off mixed messages? It’s important to cultivate self awareness of our own. There are a variety of somatic (body oriented) therapies that can promote and build this understanding and self awareness. Hakomi is one modality I use with clients to help them listen to what their body is saying, which their conscious mind may miss. This understanding can help us have more patience with ourselves and our relationships. We can also begin to help our partners understand the mixed messages programmed into our bodies.

The dance of intimacy is a constant unfolding to the self and to the other. It’s important to listen to the rhythms of our body and our heart to keep the dance of life exciting.

Electric Connection Gathering: Anger

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I’ll be presenting at the August Electric Connection Gathering. Electric Connection is a new monthly gathering fostering meaningful relationships for queer men, and sponsored by the California Men’s Gathering.

Sunday, Augst 12th – 4PM
Hanuman Center
4450 18th Street, San Francisco, CA
$10 – Sign-up through:
MeetUp.com OR
EventBrite.com

Mindfulness, Movement & Creativity: Resources for Your Life – A Workshop

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In this experiential workshop we will quiet the mind and body, follow the breath into movement, and use our creativity to remember our true essence. You will be guided through a mindful body scan, restorative yoga postures, and meditations to still the mind-body. By being in the moment and reconnecting with all of our senses we will refill with that which feeds our lives.

This is a donation, drop-in class. All proceeds will go towards the SF AIDS Foundation, in honor of the CA AIDS Life Cycle happening this week.

Location:
James Howell Studio
66 1/2 Sanchez Street (between Duboce Park & the Castro)

Facilitated by:Nick Venegoni & Eugenia Mitsanas

Nick Venegoni, a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Hypnotherapist, offering holistic counseling in the San Francisco Bay Area. His work focuses on using mindfulness with clients struggling with anxiety and anger; specializing in working with men as well as people from the LGBT and queer communities.

Eugenia Mitsanas is an MFA studio artist and Yoga Alliance certified instructor. She enjoys sharing the interplay between breath, movement, and art practice.
http://eugeniamitsanas.com/

Oceansong by Outlaw Dervish

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Check out my friend Travis’ poetic and hypnotic piece, Oceansong.

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Put your hands up & step away from the iPad!

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Or…. How to Wirelessly Sync to Mother Nature

Yesterday I got a smart phone. Not because I wanted to, per se, but because it was necessary. I had a flip phone that was probably four years old and worked great! As a matter of fact, I only charged it about twice a week and it took about twenty minutes to fully charge. It didn’t take pictures or go on the internet, but I didn’t mind. That’s what my lap top is for, right? Well, to my dismay, I have noticed that people don’t really talk on phones anymore – they mostly send texts. (I would call and leave a message, and minutes later I’d get a text. I’d call right back and leave another message. Why can’t you just press TALK?!) And it was getting to a point where I couldn’t read texts I was getting from friends because the technology on my phone was behind the times. But the main reason I got the smart phone was for work, since I don’t have internet access in my office. I’ll stop troubling you with all the details of this wifi puzzle.

Many of the people I work with struggle with a variety of stressors and anxieties in their life. They say their mind spins out of control, their body tenses up with pain in the back, neck and shoulders, or clenching their jaw. And they forget about self care and other supportive plans we have come up with. They ask how to stop or slow this down, and I offer ideas about diet and exercise. But I think one of the best things is to reduce consumption of media and technology. I suggest that people turn off their computers, phones, tablets and TV’s, and get out of the house.

Right now I’m remembering my mom’s voice from when I was a kid, saying, “Why don’t you go outside and play? Go ride your bike and get some fresh air.” I’m sure she wanted some space in the house, but she also knew that moving my body, breathing in fresh oxygen and playing in the dirt was good for me. Which it is!

A new term by Richard Louv, has been coined Nature Deficit Disorder. Essentially saying that as our relationship to nature has dwindled, so has our health and well-being. Hmmm… There is also a new practice/movement called Earthing, which posits that by having direct, physical contact with the Earth we are able to discharge and rebalance the electromagnetic stress we carry in our body. (I imagine the charge increases as we engage more and more with computers and cell phones.) Our bodies, especially our brains, have electrical impulses constantly running through them. Is it a stretch to think that exposure to more electricity affects the electrical current in our bodies? And what is it doing to our brains, thoughts and emotions?

Two weeks ago I attended the Applied EcoPsychology Conference put on by Holos Institute, in Berkeley. The keynote speaker was cultural anthropologist and award-winning author, Angeles Arrien. She spoke about the wisdom of the earth and the people of the lands: the solid and grounded Mountain People; the quiet and introspective Desert People; the flexible and creative Bamboo People, etc.  She also spoke of a counsel of tribal  elders from around the world, who gathered at the turn of the century to discuss what was most important for our planet to focus on in the next fifty years. They noticed the common message they had all been receiving was this: “When the wisdom of the Sky merges with the wisdom of the Earth, and they are braided together through the Human Heart, we will have a Rainbow People.” Arrien proposed that this translated to the weaving together of technology (wisdom of the Sky) with the wisdom of nature in a harmonious way to cultivate the heart of humanity. I can see how this is starting to happen slowly, and I look forward to more. But until that time, I think I’ll take off my shoes and make some mud pies.

Fire & Sangha: Seeking refuge in the warmth of community

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During this last winter my friend and I decided to explore the elements in a freeform, guided meditation. When we meditated on fire we both came up with similar ideas and imagery. For us fire was about change and transformation, but also about warmth, sustenance and community. Many images came of communities gathering around a fire circle for a ritual or the hearth of a home, and even around the stove in a kitchen. How many parties have you been to where the little kitchen is full of people and the spacious living room is empty? Humans are drawn to community, connection and contact. By our nature, we are not solitary beings. Science has shown that without contact with others our physical and mental health suffers greatly.

Community and connection is paramount to our well being, and not just any community, but our sangha. Sangha is a Buddhist term, which refers to our community of kindred spirits, like-minded friends or our spiritual community. Your sangha is the community where you can be yourself, relax and find support. For some this is at work or school, for others it’s in your own family or even at the local watering hole.
There are many people who may feel isolated from that sense of community. They may feel like outsiders because of their beliefs or a particular disability. I want to acknowledge that it can be a struggle to find a sangha for some. To those people, I would encourage your to not give up and keep looking. I also offer two other options, the first being the internet. In this day of social networking we can meet people from all around the world, and we are bound to find other kindred spirits out there. The second possibility is the internal sangha, for those with a spiritual practice or believe system. In prayer and meditation we can find a multitude of support networks through a pantheon of gods and goddesses, angels, spirit guides or mythical figures. Even our imagination can create a rich center of support, perhaps by reading uplifting stories or sagas of great heroes who have discovered strength in their wounding.

We seek out these communities when we feel good and want to connect, but also when we want to take refuge from our struggles and difficulties. And even though our community may not have the answers or solutions, we feel better simply because we can rest in that connection with our people.

– Nick Venegoni, MA